Thursday, October 30, 2008

Ashamed

I'm ashamed of myself today.

Little Z woke up around 6:45, which with us keeping him up a little later each night to prepare for the time change this Sunday, amounted to about 6:15 adjusted time. He was so tired while nursing that he could hardly keep his eyes open, but when I put him back in his bed, he played and played and refused to go back to sleep. Instead of spending time in prayer, I checked my email. Why? I don't know. So I finally got him back up around 7:45, and was grouchy at him for not going back to sleep.

Then Hubby came down the hall asking for a bucket. Apparently he was awakened by drips of water from our bedroom ceiling. Why today? I don't know. A branch fell on our house about two months ago, and it hasn't leaked at all until today.

Then I decided that I needed to go shopping for some clothes, and spend some of my birthday money, and we needed to leave right away. Why? I have no idea. So I hurried to get myself and Z ready to go, and headed out the door as quickly as possible. I ran some errands, and then went to the Big K to see what their fall clothes looked like. Z was very good through the first round of shopping, but during the 'trying-on' phase of the trip, he started getting really fussy. And I was rather impatient and frustrated with him. And after I left the dressing room, after snapping at my little sweetheart, I saw a mother rudely snapping at her son, who was riding in the cart, and I realized I was acting just like her. (On a side note, this child was at least two or three years old, and was drinking milk from a BOTTLE. Does anyone else think this is wierd???)

When we finally left the Big K, I was tired, Z was fussy, and we still had to go to Wally-World to pick up some things (okay, a lot of things) for me and Hubby, including groceries. Z actually behaved very well in Wally-World, and I hurried through the rest of our shopping and even managed to surprise my husband by having time to get us Subway for lunch. But after we got to the car, and drove home, and ate, even after Z took a nap, and I was relaxing in front of the computer, I was just whupped. I was still grouchy, and just worn out from my grouchiness and Z's grouchiness.

Then I checked my facebook page. A friend's page said that his child had both been born and passed away today. "She came and touched our hearts and now she's running in heaven" his page said. And I cried. And I was ashamed of myself. God has given me SO much. I am so blessed to have my husband and my son, and I don't thank God enough. Instead, I snap at my son when he won't sit still in the cart in the Big K dressing room. And I fuss at my hubby for tracking mud around the house and cluttering up my kitchen counter when others wish they had the opportunity to clean up after their husbands for just one more day.

And I remembered that this contentment thing? I have NOT arrived. Contentment and Christlikeness are lifelong processes. And, oh, yes, He's still working on me!

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